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25th April 2003
......... whyy why why
28th February 2003
i had just visited the site hell.com. hmm, very odd it was. :
you can sell your soul there, and buy it back. i thought that it was just a joke, however it requires a credit card. hmm, i did not agree, and i am glad, because it was not even my soul i put down. it was someone elses. heh, well.
it was quite interesting none-the-less.
pigface is coming!
my life with the thrill kill kult is coming!!
oh joyfull joyous joy eternal...
10th February 2003
hmm, i say :
and that is what it will stay,
5th February 2003
funny what the mind remembers
ahh, listening to garbage. remembers 5th grade. that was the best month in grade school. i like the memory. i wonder if the actual time had been so. also, in the car, i remember ruining a cousins night, when i was 5. soap for her, laughter for me. i regret it now, of course. or is it that i do not regret it, but merely wish not the pain it had caused? i think the latter. but i had told her, in the form of a question, so as was not to relay back to me, if our cousin had in fact killed a girl. ha ha now that i think of how silly the question, or even the whole scene was. she told her adopted mother, and she slapped her, and told her how dare she ever accuse any one of ever doing such things. things of a novel type nature, of how horrible she was. then she pulled her into the bathroom and shoved soap into her mouth. i think i felt some regret. but, bieng a child, and i tell you, it was then that i was more of any type of malice holding person, i did things like this with the intent of it coming through and then enjoying it thoroughly. i really do wonder if she would ever remember it... i oftentimes think that i remember things about people that they would never care, or even if they did enjoy, the times of them and then that i do. i remember kevin martino, and a girl, jessica. who hated me every bit until she found out, along with others, that we had been abused. pity, and i did like it. to have friends, for a change. if that was the way to do so, then so be it. i remember lots of things, like stephanie perry, who was my friend, for a time. the black board, the sidewalk, the halls, the oragami picture my class neighbor drew, the cat in the hat in the shelves, the blue tinkerbell of my mothers i had lost, roy, the first kid in class i had ever talked to, black hair, italian features, thick glasses, and a classic wonder-years smile. striped shirt, too. and the old lady next door, with het cranberries. if not for death or any mental ailment, i am sure that she is one to remember me. and the boy, in first grade, hall school, to scrape his knee so bad that the blood was everywhere. and, melissa, the long brown haired-girl, who i disliked. the first art class there, the hand traced turkey, mine looking not real, said she. and my technicolor truck.. ugly to the teacher. but i value these words yet. and june, i remember her. her thick coarse black hair in braids always. she sat next to me. quiet and smart. where is she, and does she remember me? i would wish to think that someone does. ms. mary mack and the other i love, but will never remember. in the cafeteria. with hector, too. the chubby boy in the thin cotton pants. like all the kids had. and his eyes.. kevin martino. i remember the bluest of all eyes i have ever seen. to this day. how did he know me? the park with the huge sewer entrance. to me, anyhow. bieng so young. buffy, the cat. white calico. the girl in the school basement. with a deformed arm. now that image will never leave my head. she washed her short arm, miniature hand sticking out at the end... the broken records on the concrete basketball court. and the swings. the circle so large i do not remember, of children playing the farmer in the dell. the cheese stands alone. said the teacher. i remember that the cheese was a boy.those games were fun. especially when the teacher made us get along. the twins, i would hope remember me. the first black doll i had ever seen. baby alive. her feet looked different. the large closet, enough to put a bed in. filled with broken toys. and where is my large fairy tale book? the most beautiful, and intricate of all the stories that i have ever read. :
what of snuggles? what was that thing i saw on the sidewalk? it was not a toy. oh well, thinking too much of a good thing is not a good thing. thus i end now.
Current Mood: mehhh..........
when it all comes through
i can never really understand it. :
why it happens, the way, and shape it does. the quiet is sometimes comforting, however, to be the only one
standing there, is not.
but the one that is, i know, cannot take it. will not.
it will be so.
for the time, i think i will continue to pretend. it is easy.
for now. but, at face, no. i need to go away, away
from hers and hims.
26th January 2003
i am mainly writing to keep up post. i am very confused, and i am what i am presently. i wish that no one knew about this, then i could write what i felt, truley, and no one would give me shit or contradict me. but i thought that there was something good in my life, now it is gone. and i cannot get the positive part of it back, ever. why now does it have to happen, and why the hell does life revolve around it?? and i dont want any. ever. but i do want the heart. i wish that i knew more. i wish that i COULD go and do it. that would, with out a doubt, fix me.
19th January 2003
ah i have been having a good weekend. i got an egyptian hieroglyph ahnk, and i am almost done with the damn payment on my shoooos. i cleaned today. that is always good. :
work was fun. a new kid is there, and he is quite nice. and nice looking, too. alright.
17th January 2003
Current Mood: contemplative
16th January 2003
i was not done
i was not done with that entry the other day. my mom came home, and i was not allowed to be on the internet in the first place. i meant to say, i wish i could find some one that i could talk to about things that other people usually wouldnt want to take the time of day about, but not just a friend. you know, a signifigant other, but male. no i don't like to talk about this stuff, it makes me uncomfortable, however i always seem to. and i am not really ugly, so, am i a bitch? i need to know. i don't think i am (except to phillip, but i am always playfully hitting him, and he knows it but hruh hruh he gets annoyed.)but no one likes me? so what is wrong. i need love sometimes. i never even get hugs... well, i dont like to hug people, but secretly i would want to. kindof.
14th January 2003
when will i?
i wish that i could find someone as passionate as me in this world.
some strange news just in: i, a slacker, not in a screenwriting class, was asked to do something i don't exactly know what. i think developing the screenplay i wrote, to make it 90 pages. the pressure... however, it makes me feel pretty good to know when i try, i can do it. and, the tv vilm teacher, (i do have tv film)said that it would be an opportunity to expand that interest. i think i will do it. it requires going to the teachers house with a small group of people. well, that's good. but the area for travel is far. and i, a slacker, have no license, or even a permit, for that matter. mom....
13th January 2003
am i allowed to say fuck this shit??? well i am any ways. i tried to fucking fill out my goddamn personal information, and did it 3 fucking times before i gave up. why? because the stupid website was not responding. i dont know whether aol or live journal is the asshole.
did i mention that that was on a trrain ride to new york on stupid new years? well, o f c o u r s e i d i d n t so i say it now. a great thing of new york: cabaret at studio 54. i think in my case, there is no greater show. men with make up melt meeeeee. ok. oh, yes. something awful, right? i like a 33 year old guy... pain pain, coz you know nothing will ever come from it.
these are some theories. and ramblings.
people have every kind of people in side them. whoever they are. however, the ammount of times and the intensity that mood or behavior comes out, in a physical, mental or emotional manner is the varying factor. this thought on a train. :
also on a train: it is funny upon realizing when the atmosphere is darkened around the eyes, it feels safer. because, when the volume of the people become a loud, even toned sort of insectious buzzing, is when retracting in to the mind becomes most easy. to enjoy ones eardrums vibrating. it creates a parellel, or shall i say comfortable disquietness which only resembles the physical world i (we) currently inhabit. bieng alone, inside, even though you are surrounded by masses of people, or even ones you closely know. i assume, perhaps know far in me, all have moments of this kind of clarity. i like to feel my stomachs nervous retractions and fits of tensing of the muscles. it brings me closer to myself. i think a life long goal in life would to be to fully understand my mind, and emotions, as well as that of another. ie; soul mate. if only it were easy. well, then there would be no point to it. ok then.
3rd January 2003
help me help me
please someone :
help me change the colors
of the pages
in this place.
help me help me
please someone :
help me change the colors
of the pages
in this place.
26th December 2002
oh oh oh
i think the event was, christmas? yesss, it was. i saw my cousin tasia. i miss her. but now, i know her again. all is well. hello caroline, how are you? i assume well. sayonara, and good day. :
20th December 2002
i am writing in here so that i can keep the space.
i hope you find this as intriguing as i do. any how, when something good happens i will write. i am going to connecticut for a while, and new york hopefully. yessah.